it's like the chapter list of a book not yet written

These past couple weeks include experiences in:

- death of a child (not our own, but one who played with our daughter)

- shopping for and then buying a brand new vehicle (for the first time)

- finishing the foster family approval process and arranging our first child in care

- shifting our work schedules so that I'm doing more child-care and Chris is learning the office routine more

And as I sit here typing, I realize I'm just too tired to expand on any of these story lines at this time, but perhaps later. :)

Swimming

I realize as I sit on the sand and ponder that now I have time. Time to write. Time to think of the thoughts which regularly only fleetingly pass through my mind. Time to reflect and be thankful. Time to enjoy the moments.

I mention planning, planning the next trip, planning who to invite, planning… I mention planning thoughts to my husband while we are working up the courage to walk all the way into the cold but refreshing Stuart Lake. He lovingly chastises me for allowing my mind to leave the moment we are in now. Now. Stay here in this moment, he tells me. And we laugh, and we splash, and we squeal like children, as we dip ourselves into the water and swim. We swim back and forth, up and down, breathing in the fresh air, feeling the slight movement of air over the water, listening to the birds, listening to the water, listening to the quiet. It’s amazingly quiet out here. This lake is 10 km wide and 44 km long, and yet we see no boats out on the water, no others swimming or moving in or on the water. It is as though we are alone in the world, alone together, if only for the moment. The sky is bright blue and the sun warms our bodies even as we know the water is cool, we feel warm. I remember being a child. I remember coming to this lake as a young child, first with my friend Roberta going to Camp Morice after grades 1 and 2, but then as an older child, perhaps age 10 or 11, going to the same Camp Morice but to a family camp with all my Veeken relatives. I remember the peace and the bliss of playing in the sand and the clay and the water. Sitting out all day making sand castles and various sculptures, and then to watch the tide take them away as the evening comes. I remember this lake being a happy place. And we play – Chris & I play. We play in the water, squishing sand and clay between our toes, laughing and splashing like children. And our world is a peaceful happy place, at least right now, as we enjoy this moment.

Precious Girls

 

I was so happy on Sunday afternoon when I got to visit with Keanna & Mia, the girls we had watched in February. :D Here is a picture of us at Fort George Park.

Voting and Routers and Curry, oh my!

So I voted tonight.

Kerri & I went and voted together. We seem to be doing better, and I have admitted that I have been too busy for her too, so we are both to blame for my previous rant. Anyways, after voting, and after going to the store to buy a new router, and after playing with Liza in the backyard on the fun jungle gym and throwing balls high into the air, Liza & I went to Auntie Kerri's (across the street) where she (Liza) proceeded to run circles around her (Kerri's) house and I proceeded to taste the VERY yummy curries she (Kerri) had made for her Sri Lankan-Canadian husband, our beloved Uncle Gino.

That's all.

Sisters

I consider myself to have 2 sisters.

1 birth sister.

1 sister-in-law.

My birth sister told me tonight that I am not allowed to like my sister-in-law more than her.

Here's the thing, my birth sister and I are very close, or at least we have been very close the past few years, but since she has fallen in love and gotten married and all that, she never has time to spend with me, and it feels as though she has pretty much fallen off the face of my world, or at least has moved onto her own little world which doesn't include people who have poured so much into her life.

Am I bitter?

Perhaps a little, perhaps today, perhaps it will pass, perhaps it won't.

My sister-in-law, on the other hand, and I have never really been close. Not because I haven't wanted to, but we are very different and it has been difficult to find points of interest to connect on. However, recently that has changed. She has become a bookkeeper, and she has been working with me. We have had the opportunity these last several months to spend many many hours together, laugh together, be frustrated together, celebrate together, etc. It's been a great experience getting to know her better & vice versa.

And now when I see my birth sister, my stories seem to gravitate towards "Vicki this" and "Vicki that" and all these good fun stories of experiences Vicki & I are sharing through our work, and through the fun times we are having here at home with Chris & the kids.

And then Kerri tells me I'm not allowed to like Vicki more than her, and this presumption, this sense of ownership over my affection simply because of history, is crap. She can't have the benefits of being my favorite sister without the involvement of actually relating to me.

And that's that.

She did buy us all dinner tonight, so maybe that's her attempt at involvement. Still kind of lame though - not dinner, just the way the relationship has gone down the tubes because apparently nothing matters these past 6 months to a year besides her own little tiny world & whatever is benefitting to her.

:p

See through a Cloudy Mirror

Why do I always think of many things to write about when I am out & about, busy & unable to write it down at that moment? Oh well.

The shades of gray seem like shadows.

Gray is such a non word, a non concept, it is the concept of blurriness, of not being able to see clearly.

It is like 1 Corinthians 13:12 (Whole Chapter)
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. [ Greek see face to face.] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

When I say that I see things in shades of gray - this Bible verse explains very clearly in black & white what it is that I feel and mean.

I don't know everything. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. I don't know if what i think is real, is actually real.

I was sharing with my sister-in-law today about this, about how the older I get, the less sure I am of my opinions. I like to argue less (and for those of you who know how much I like to debate and argue, just know that I used to do this much much more than I do now), and I like to hear other people's thoughts more. And the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. I don't think I explained it very well to her, but this concept of grayness is what I am talking about.

Shades of gray.

A cloudy mirror.

Now we see things imperfectly, because we don't know everything.

When will we know? If we meet God in heaven, we can have access to His knowledge, but even then can we contain all of the clarity? Do I need to? No, I don't think so.

I think it's enough to know that Someone else knows.

It's enough to rest in the peace of a Sovereign being.

Do I relinquish responsibility, then, for my life, my decisions, my family?

No of course not.

I run with those responsibilities! They are my drive, my passions, my fuel. But I do not know everything, and so I can only run with my limited capabilities: try as I should, but have peace that it is not my responsibility to attain perfection, nor to change the world. I am my responsibility.

My heart, my thoughts, my choices, my actions.

My prayer is that I may simplify the desires of my heart.

For now I see life as through a cloudy mirror.

For now I see my friends as through a cloudy mirror.

For now I see those I love as through a cloudy mirror.

Who am I to judge?

Who am I to insist upon my own thoughts or opinions?

For now I see as through a cloudy mirror.

But my resting place is not gray, He is not shady, He is not uncertain: My resting place is Jesus, a Living Spirit whom I sense and who is the Energy, who is the Connecting Force, who is the Foundation, and on Whom I can place my trust.

I spoke with my sister-in-law today. I did not share all of these thoughts, as I see through a cloudy mirror, often my words also come out as a muddled collection of random words and thoughts. But I wish I could share it, in a comprehensible way, share experiences I have had which have impacted my entire existence and personality.

I shared with my sister-in-law today, I am thankful for the opportunity to build relationship with her, and I am so thankful for my family, her included.

I see as through a cloudy mirror.

But one day I will see with clarity and all my own misconceptions will fall away. One day, but I am not in a rush. I have peace to live well now, and I can live well while seeing life through my cloudy mirror - the limits of my own humanity.

my hubby surprised me !!

I only have a couple minutes, so here is the nutshell version:

Tuesday May 12 is our fourth anniversary. Chris arranged to surprise me with a romantic getaway last night, and it was the most wonderful surprise I've ever received! I've been glowing all day, it was just so thoughtful and we had the most amazing time. We had planned a date - so we went for a really nice supper at Cimo Mediterranean Grill, then off to the bookstore, then to a really funny play at Theatre Northwest: Sexy Laundry. Then when I thought we were going home, he took me to a nice new hotel, a really nice suite on the top floor, and he had Vicki babysit overnight. Then after a nice relaxing breakfast date together we returned home to our kids. :D

Gotta run, supper's on the table.

Plug

MB Business Services is my bookkeeping company. We're still growing - so please keep sending in referrals!

Heartstrings and Soap Operas

What moves a grown woman to tears?

More specifically, what moves this grown woman to tears?

Not much, not usually.

Hormones? Well, yes, sometimes it’s hormones, RESP commercials, and other random unexpected triggers.

There are moments though when a minor trigger, ie a scene on tv, is like the button which opens the dam: the dam holding back memories and emotions gives way, and this grown woman is moved to tears.

Meredith Grey is a fictional character, a woman surgeon on the tv show Grey’s Anatomy. She was raised by her single parent mother, who was a single parent because she had a major affair when Meredith was a young child, and also Meredith’s mother was a highly successful surgeon. Meredith fended for herself. Abandoned by her father because of her mother’s unfaithfulness; abandoned by her mother to her mother’s workloads. She raised herself, and found in her search for her mother’s approval and a father’s love, a personal drive. And she too becomes a highly successful surgeon, albeit with many emotional handicaps.

In this most recent episode, the Chief of Seattle Grace Hospital and Meredith have an emotional encounter. The Chief, you see, was the man who Meredith’s mother had had an affair with a generation before. When Meredith’s father and mother parted, and the Chief and Meredith’s mother broke up also, Meredith was left in the ditch – left to be raised by a broken hearted mother who turned colder and even more work oriented, and the Chief, the man who the marital breakdown was supposedly for, well, he stuck with his own wife. But I sidetrack. The point was that the Chief in letting Meredith’s mother go, also let Meredith go. He let them go as a “foolish mistake” and he saw how abandoned Meredith was, and he washed his hands of any responsibility to stand up for the little girl who was left to the ditch to raise herself (metaphorically speaking).

Meredith encounters a little girl with a cut on her face, followed by the little girl’s mother repeatedly crying out “she’s sorry! She’s so sorry!” because this little girl had shot her father over 17 times. The girl is quiet until speaking with Meredith, and she asks Meredith “why isn’t my daddy dead? I shot him lots, why isn’t he dead yet?”

The little girl’s mom was a victim of domestic abuse, but the little girl had been lost in the ditch – as everyone pitied the mom, who cared about the little girl?

Meredith did. She confronted the mom, told the mom she could not make the little girl apologize to the abusive man, Meredith told the mom that she had to change the little girl’s story – make changes in their lives while she still had a chance to help her little girl!

Meredith faced trouble from the Chief for this outburst, but it led to the Chief’s acknowledgement to Meredith that he had stood by while Meredith suffered through her own young childhood. He apologized for not standing up for her, like she had stood up for that little girl that day.

“It’s just a tv show.” I know I know.

But what I experienced growing up, that was not a tv show.

So did I cry because I’m so connected to Meredith, so her pain is my pain?

No that’s ridiculous.

But the above depicted scene brought out memories of my own childhood – not so much memories of events, but of feelings. It’s amazing that now, 10, 15, 20 years later, the emotions were so strong that I can still feel the ache in my chest when I revisit them in my heart and mind. There is a certain pain in abandonment which extends through time and like a physical wound which once healed still throbs now & again, the emotional pain even though healed still presses on my heart and reminds me of my life.

It’s hard not to look the other way. Life is busy. I am busy, and I’m not close to as busy as many others I know. It’s time consuming. It’s emotionally draining. I have other priorities. There are so many reasons not to look at the needs of kids who are abandoned.

But are our reasons sufficient?

They aren’t for me, because I know the pain of abandonment, and it is far worse than the inconvenience that paying attention can be.

This stirring in my heart as I watch my silly tv show, it reminds me of how I have come to hold the values I do. With or without having experienced the pain ourselves, I believe we can all contribute within our community to reach out to the abandoned children.

My Parenting Philosophy

This past Monday we had a meeting with our social worker.

Why do we have a social worker?

Because for the past many months, Chris & I have been preparing to be a foster family. Since sometime in March, we have been having homestudy visits. Our social worker visits our home and interviews us on many subjects from our upbringing to our current daily routine.

This past Monday our homestudy meeting focused on our parenting styles - our parenting philosophies.

Since then, I have been chewing on the concept, and really searching inside myself: What is my parenting philosophy?

Our simple answer stated that we want to provide a safe consistent loving home, which will enable our children to grow up secure and loved, and set up for success. That our kids will become happy secure successful adults. Isn't that what every parent wants?

So, my question to myself has been: What the heck does that even look like? What does that mean? How will I live that out in real life? How am I living it out now in real life?

This blog entry is simply an expression of my mish-mash of thoughts since that day.

1. Love is not love unless it truly does meet the child's needs - not my need to have the child show me affection.

I know my love for my birth children is true & sincere beyond a shadow of a doubt because I know what I've gone through to have them. I know labour. I know what it's like to live on 1 1/2 hours sleep (literally) at a time for many days/weeks at a time. I know what it's like to walk a screaming child up & down the halls for minutes which stretch to hours with barely any relief. I know pain from trying unsuccessfully to nurse through thrush. I know the deep pain inside when I've had to give Liza a time out for throwing a temper tantrum, which only made her scream louder, which made me hurt inside because I knew that all was not well in her at that moment. I know what it's like to maintain self control through the pressure, to stay steady, to stay calm, and then after it all to have my devotion unchanging, or even to have it grow. Love when it is returned is easy, and most of the time at this young stage love is returned, but my love for my children does not depend on that return. I just love them.

My parental philosoophy on love is that I am the parent. It is not my responsibility or obligation to ensure that a child shows me love or affection - it IS my responsibility and obligation to ensure I live out love and express affection to my children. (And it's my joy.)

I know that I can extend this love to other children. I have watched children in many different settings from day camps to church nurseries over the course of 15+ years. I did not always enjoy it, but closer to when I was ready to have my own children, I noticed a deep change in my heart. I noticed that when I watched other children, I spoke with authority and the children listened to me. I noticed that I spoke and acted in love, and the children felt safe with me. I have encountered situations of children beating on other children, or pushing them, or saying mean names, and I have put the offending children in time outs and then spent time talking with them, leading them to repentence and asking for the other child's forgiveness. I know that kids act up, and I know that when they are set in a stable loving environment, many of their problems lessen because they feel safe and are able to grow.

2. Consistency means self development.

I believe that consistency and routine is one of THE most important parts of parenting.

Consistency is on my shoulders. Consistency in parenting means that I as a parent am consistent. In order to be consistent, I must purposefully live out my life. I must think before I act. I must work on myself: I read books on parenting, I talk with other parents who I see to be successful in their parenting & I want to learn from them, I try out the concepts I learn, I learn from my mistakes. I do all these things and it is very important to me to continue to do all these things. I think it is very important to always be developing oneself. This is an active lifestyle - not a passive one. I must actively make time to read, to talk with other parents or mentors, to journal or meditate/reflect on my days and think about whether my actions are in line with my values.

It is not easy to be consistent all the time. It is not easy to grow or to change. The only way I have found to help this process is to make it a constant part of my life. When I stop reading, when I stop communication, when I "take a break" from self-development, then I get lazy in my own growing process. It's just something I need to do to stay healthy, mentally & spiritually, and then my attitude & lifestyle reflect that, and this gives me strength to make right decisions, to make my life line up with my words & beliefs, and to remain consistent.

The buck stops here.

That's what consistency means to me. It means that I feel I am the parent. The responsibility lies on my shoulders (and Chris' with me - we are married, we are partners, we live and parent together). Consistency means to me that I work to set up a routine and a lifestyle of consistent behaviour that will allow our children to be set up for success. Success in their growth, and their behaviour, success in that they will have the platform they need in order to move forward.

Consistency means that however I want my children to be, that is who I must be.

They will not learn from my words but from my actions.

So I live with that in my heart, knowing that how I act, that is what they are absorbing. How I let my attitude be - whether relaxed or angry or peaceful or scared or stressed or joyful - these attitudes, my responses to life, and how I choose to act upon them or passively let things be, these are the concepts that my children will absorb and learn from me.

My job is not to make my children better than me.

But my job is to be a better person for my children.

In the day to day, consistency & routine means that we all have a bedtime. We eat meals at the same time every day. We have play time. We have reading time. We have nap times. We have times that we go out together as a family, to church, or shopping, or to visit family. We have daily & weekly routines which are very important to us. We give thanks to God before we eat supper together. We all eat meals together at the table so that we can interract and maintain relationship. These are things we do consistently, on time: our lives are full of the expected, and brings us and our children peace, security, and keeps us connected. We are a family, this is our home, and we are consistent.

3. Unity within Our Family

Chris' & my marriage comes first. Chris is my husband, and even after only 4 years, I feel him as though he is a part of my own body. I sense him near and I sense the loss of his presence when he is far, even just not in the same building. When we are on the same page, when we discuss whatever issues or thoughts we might discuss and are completely open with each other - there is nothing like that kind of unity. He knows everything about me and I about him, and the freedom of such intimacy in a relationship that is loving & forgiving & so accepting - nothing compares.

The success I have had in business, in other relationships, in my own emotional well-being / personal growth, has all been a process of our marriage.

Do you understand?

It's like with $250,000.00 I can buy a house, but with $500,000.00 I can buy a mansion.

We are not two houses, we are a mansion.

Together, in unity, I find more inner strength than I ever knew existed. Together, in unity, I find more fulfilment physically, emotionally, mentally, than I ever knew existed. Together, in unity, I can do anything: we can do anything. I feel not only my small portion of strength in different areas, but I feel his as well. And together it's not addition of life resources, but multiplication - we can accomplish so much more together than alone.

What does this look like in my parenting?

It means that I must nurture my husband and our marriage relationship in order to be a good parent. It means that we go on dates. That we talk. That we spend lots of time together. It means that we defer to one another - that we respect each others values and try to meet each other's needs. It means that we relieve each other when the other needs a break. It means that Chris stays home with the kids one night a week while I go out with the girls, and vice versa. It means that we try to get a baby-sitter at least once a week so that we can go out alone together. It means that we try to go to bed early enough to spend time together. It means that we do not entertain any thoughts pertaining to having our intimacy needs met elsewhere, in any other way besides with each other together. It means we pray together and for one another. It means that if things are off, if we are having a bad day or week or month, that we recognize it as quickly as possible and then put it at the very top of our priority list to make things right and to spend time together in ways that will grow and develop our relationship, and nurture each other, encourage each other, understand each other.

It means that I must die to myself.

Marriage is the death of myself, in exchange for the life of us. It's not easy to sacrifice, to choose his needs over my own, to love him more than myself, to watch out for his best interests. I want to take care of me! And often I do fall, so to speak, and hurt him because I am "taking care of me and my wants", but that is not my heart. I know that single me is dead, and married me is SO much better, and I value "married me" far beyond the petty issues which encourage me to make "single me" decisions. I choose marriage everyday. I choose Chris everyday. It has been a very humbling and very freeing and amazing experience to morph into this new person - this new person of "Mr & Mrs".

4. Teachability / Flexibility

First in myself & my husband, then with our children.

I have summarized above "My Parenting Philosophy," but I am not perfect. This philosophy is what I value, and who I strive to be. I do and I will make mistakes. I don't try to make mistakes, but I am not perfect. I must keep that close to my heart: the fact that when I fall, I am to repent or make things right, then pick up and keep going. I love and I work to be a loving person, but sometimes I say or do mean things. Like not watching a movie with my husband because I don't feel like it, even though it wouldn't hurt me and he really wants to spend the time cuddling with me & enjoying a good show. I want to be consistent, but there are times I'm late for meetings or forget to make lunch at the right time. Oopsy! I make amends, deal with the current situation, and try to set myself up to do better next time (like setting an alarm, or beginning preparations earlier).

And as I do & will make mistakes and must have grace for myself, I must also have grace for my husband, and for my children. Because none of us are perfect. When the kids misbehave or deliberately disobey or make wrong decisions or don't do what they are supposed to, I must have grace. We will not always be perfectly on time, or get perfect grades, or say the "right" things to our neighbour, or remember an important date, but it's ok. Tomorrow will still come and everything will be ok, so we can relax and have peace through the process.

And just because I've written an essay on my parenting philosophy, that does not mean I am an expert in all of these areas. But it does mean that I value these areas very highly and it is my goal in my everyday life to continually grow & develop in these areas. These are my values and it is my mission in life to live them out.

:)

Ok, enough for now.

Your thoughts in response?

Reflections of Being Blessed - Be warned, it's sappy. :)

I am blessed.

These days my days blend into weeks which blend into months, and so I often forget to stop and ponder or reflect.

But tonight as I sit at my dining room table typing away on the laptop, I reflect.

Liza just turned 2. April 15th, so 6 days ago. She is starting to string words together into sentences, like "wuv me mommy!" which is her way of saying "I love mommy." And she asks to go on the potty, which makes me wonder how she changed from the helpless newborn who couldn't even hold her head up on her own, to this beautiful little girl running around my house, smiling, laughing, interaction, communicating, and amazing me with new experiences every day. I am blessed.

Sam is almost 10 months old. He smiles his huge 8-teeth toothy grin, he crawls across the room to me when he sees me, and sometimes right past me trying to explore the rest of the house :D He's still not a huge fan of food with flavour, but his daddy's sweet tooth is definitely showing in him as he gets so excited whenever given pudding or ice cream or other sweets. :) He sleeps through the night and smiles with delight when he wakes. I am blessed.

I think of work. Work has been a whirlwind of papers, managing co-workers (employee & subcontracted work), schedules, lining up new clients etc. I remember just a few short years ago struggling to make a start of my career as a bookkeeper. Diane helped me out so much at that time, taking me under her wing & teaching me the tricks of the trade. Then slowly my clientelle built up, only for me to cut it down when I got pregnant - not wanting to have too much on my plate & not be able to deliver the service I guarantee. But these last two seasons have seemed right for building up, and I've been able to go from 4 clients to over 15 (at last count I think it was 18, and I've been getting on average 1-2 new clients per week for a while). Anyways, point being that in my career, I am blessed.

And as a mother, and a wife, and a career/business woman, I have the best support network anyone could ask for. My husband Chris is amazing - completely supportive of me exercising my giftings to build up the business and then wanting to learn from me so that he can develop his skills more too. He has been the domestic parent, and happily cares for our kids and the day to day household chores. I couldn't do anything I do without the support he provides. And we are surrounded by family and close friends who help to give us breaks and make us laugh and help add meaning & richness into our lives. In relationships, I am blessed.

Why am I bragging about all my blessings?

Because I so often complain. I shouldn't complain so much, but I do, and I'll be the first to admit it. I whine & complain when paperwork doesn't go the way I want it to, when it rains when I want it to shine, when the computer is going slow, or when the kids have runny noses. I whine & complain. Sitting here though, thinking about it, my complaints are so lame, and I am so blessed. So although if you read this blog again, I am sure you will read again some whining & complaining, or ranting of some type, but today - not today, today I reflect on my blessings and say thank you God (and everyone). :D

It's cold. It's raining. The air smells of some type of manure mixed with diesel. I feel the sweat sticking my hoody to my upper back. Stupid mitten fell out of my pocket...somewhere back there and I'm not going back to find it. Tennille & I talk away and we laugh through this horrible extersion called "a walk". I'm not fond of "a walk". But within an hour we are back home, enjoying chocolate flavored protein shakes and kicking back as the kids just wake up from their naps.

That was my afternoon. Next time I'd like to take "a walk" in the nice warm clean YMCA.