So I voted tonight.
Kerri & I went and voted together. We seem to be doing better, and I have admitted that I have been too busy for her too, so we are both to blame for my previous rant. Anyways, after voting, and after going to the store to buy a new router, and after playing with Liza in the backyard on the fun jungle gym and throwing balls high into the air, Liza & I went to Auntie Kerri's (across the street) where she (Liza) proceeded to run circles around her (Kerri's) house and I proceeded to taste the VERY yummy curries she (Kerri) had made for her Sri Lankan-Canadian husband, our beloved Uncle Gino.
That's all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sisters
I consider myself to have 2 sisters.
1 birth sister.
1 sister-in-law.
My birth sister told me tonight that I am not allowed to like my sister-in-law more than her.
Here's the thing, my birth sister and I are very close, or at least we have been very close the past few years, but since she has fallen in love and gotten married and all that, she never has time to spend with me, and it feels as though she has pretty much fallen off the face of my world, or at least has moved onto her own little world which doesn't include people who have poured so much into her life.
Am I bitter?
Perhaps a little, perhaps today, perhaps it will pass, perhaps it won't.
My sister-in-law, on the other hand, and I have never really been close. Not because I haven't wanted to, but we are very different and it has been difficult to find points of interest to connect on. However, recently that has changed. She has become a bookkeeper, and she has been working with me. We have had the opportunity these last several months to spend many many hours together, laugh together, be frustrated together, celebrate together, etc. It's been a great experience getting to know her better & vice versa.
And now when I see my birth sister, my stories seem to gravitate towards "Vicki this" and "Vicki that" and all these good fun stories of experiences Vicki & I are sharing through our work, and through the fun times we are having here at home with Chris & the kids.
And then Kerri tells me I'm not allowed to like Vicki more than her, and this presumption, this sense of ownership over my affection simply because of history, is crap. She can't have the benefits of being my favorite sister without the involvement of actually relating to me.
And that's that.
She did buy us all dinner tonight, so maybe that's her attempt at involvement. Still kind of lame though - not dinner, just the way the relationship has gone down the tubes because apparently nothing matters these past 6 months to a year besides her own little tiny world & whatever is benefitting to her.
:p
1 birth sister.
1 sister-in-law.
My birth sister told me tonight that I am not allowed to like my sister-in-law more than her.
Here's the thing, my birth sister and I are very close, or at least we have been very close the past few years, but since she has fallen in love and gotten married and all that, she never has time to spend with me, and it feels as though she has pretty much fallen off the face of my world, or at least has moved onto her own little world which doesn't include people who have poured so much into her life.
Am I bitter?
Perhaps a little, perhaps today, perhaps it will pass, perhaps it won't.
My sister-in-law, on the other hand, and I have never really been close. Not because I haven't wanted to, but we are very different and it has been difficult to find points of interest to connect on. However, recently that has changed. She has become a bookkeeper, and she has been working with me. We have had the opportunity these last several months to spend many many hours together, laugh together, be frustrated together, celebrate together, etc. It's been a great experience getting to know her better & vice versa.
And now when I see my birth sister, my stories seem to gravitate towards "Vicki this" and "Vicki that" and all these good fun stories of experiences Vicki & I are sharing through our work, and through the fun times we are having here at home with Chris & the kids.
And then Kerri tells me I'm not allowed to like Vicki more than her, and this presumption, this sense of ownership over my affection simply because of history, is crap. She can't have the benefits of being my favorite sister without the involvement of actually relating to me.
And that's that.
She did buy us all dinner tonight, so maybe that's her attempt at involvement. Still kind of lame though - not dinner, just the way the relationship has gone down the tubes because apparently nothing matters these past 6 months to a year besides her own little tiny world & whatever is benefitting to her.
:p
Saturday, May 9, 2009
See through a Cloudy Mirror
Why do I always think of many things to write about when I am out & about, busy & unable to write it down at that moment? Oh well.
The shades of gray seem like shadows.
Gray is such a non word, a non concept, it is the concept of blurriness, of not being able to see clearly.
It is like 1 Corinthians 13:12 (Whole Chapter)
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. [ Greek see face to face.] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
When I say that I see things in shades of gray - this Bible verse explains very clearly in black & white what it is that I feel and mean.
I don't know everything. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. I don't know if what i think is real, is actually real.
I was sharing with my sister-in-law today about this, about how the older I get, the less sure I am of my opinions. I like to argue less (and for those of you who know how much I like to debate and argue, just know that I used to do this much much more than I do now), and I like to hear other people's thoughts more. And the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. I don't think I explained it very well to her, but this concept of grayness is what I am talking about.
Shades of gray.
A cloudy mirror.
Now we see things imperfectly, because we don't know everything.
When will we know? If we meet God in heaven, we can have access to His knowledge, but even then can we contain all of the clarity? Do I need to? No, I don't think so.
I think it's enough to know that Someone else knows.
It's enough to rest in the peace of a Sovereign being.
Do I relinquish responsibility, then, for my life, my decisions, my family?
No of course not.
I run with those responsibilities! They are my drive, my passions, my fuel. But I do not know everything, and so I can only run with my limited capabilities: try as I should, but have peace that it is not my responsibility to attain perfection, nor to change the world. I am my responsibility.
My heart, my thoughts, my choices, my actions.
My prayer is that I may simplify the desires of my heart.
For now I see life as through a cloudy mirror.
For now I see my friends as through a cloudy mirror.
For now I see those I love as through a cloudy mirror.
Who am I to judge?
Who am I to insist upon my own thoughts or opinions?
For now I see as through a cloudy mirror.
But my resting place is not gray, He is not shady, He is not uncertain: My resting place is Jesus, a Living Spirit whom I sense and who is the Energy, who is the Connecting Force, who is the Foundation, and on Whom I can place my trust.
I spoke with my sister-in-law today. I did not share all of these thoughts, as I see through a cloudy mirror, often my words also come out as a muddled collection of random words and thoughts. But I wish I could share it, in a comprehensible way, share experiences I have had which have impacted my entire existence and personality.
I shared with my sister-in-law today, I am thankful for the opportunity to build relationship with her, and I am so thankful for my family, her included.
I see as through a cloudy mirror.
But one day I will see with clarity and all my own misconceptions will fall away. One day, but I am not in a rush. I have peace to live well now, and I can live well while seeing life through my cloudy mirror - the limits of my own humanity.
The shades of gray seem like shadows.
Gray is such a non word, a non concept, it is the concept of blurriness, of not being able to see clearly.
It is like 1 Corinthians 13:12 (Whole Chapter)
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. [ Greek see face to face.] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
When I say that I see things in shades of gray - this Bible verse explains very clearly in black & white what it is that I feel and mean.
I don't know everything. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. I don't know if what i think is real, is actually real.
I was sharing with my sister-in-law today about this, about how the older I get, the less sure I am of my opinions. I like to argue less (and for those of you who know how much I like to debate and argue, just know that I used to do this much much more than I do now), and I like to hear other people's thoughts more. And the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. I don't think I explained it very well to her, but this concept of grayness is what I am talking about.
Shades of gray.
A cloudy mirror.
Now we see things imperfectly, because we don't know everything.
When will we know? If we meet God in heaven, we can have access to His knowledge, but even then can we contain all of the clarity? Do I need to? No, I don't think so.
I think it's enough to know that Someone else knows.
It's enough to rest in the peace of a Sovereign being.
Do I relinquish responsibility, then, for my life, my decisions, my family?
No of course not.
I run with those responsibilities! They are my drive, my passions, my fuel. But I do not know everything, and so I can only run with my limited capabilities: try as I should, but have peace that it is not my responsibility to attain perfection, nor to change the world. I am my responsibility.
My heart, my thoughts, my choices, my actions.
My prayer is that I may simplify the desires of my heart.
For now I see life as through a cloudy mirror.
For now I see my friends as through a cloudy mirror.
For now I see those I love as through a cloudy mirror.
Who am I to judge?
Who am I to insist upon my own thoughts or opinions?
For now I see as through a cloudy mirror.
But my resting place is not gray, He is not shady, He is not uncertain: My resting place is Jesus, a Living Spirit whom I sense and who is the Energy, who is the Connecting Force, who is the Foundation, and on Whom I can place my trust.
I spoke with my sister-in-law today. I did not share all of these thoughts, as I see through a cloudy mirror, often my words also come out as a muddled collection of random words and thoughts. But I wish I could share it, in a comprehensible way, share experiences I have had which have impacted my entire existence and personality.
I shared with my sister-in-law today, I am thankful for the opportunity to build relationship with her, and I am so thankful for my family, her included.
I see as through a cloudy mirror.
But one day I will see with clarity and all my own misconceptions will fall away. One day, but I am not in a rush. I have peace to live well now, and I can live well while seeing life through my cloudy mirror - the limits of my own humanity.
my hubby surprised me !!
I only have a couple minutes, so here is the nutshell version:
Tuesday May 12 is our fourth anniversary. Chris arranged to surprise me with a romantic getaway last night, and it was the most wonderful surprise I've ever received! I've been glowing all day, it was just so thoughtful and we had the most amazing time. We had planned a date - so we went for a really nice supper at Cimo Mediterranean Grill, then off to the bookstore, then to a really funny play at Theatre Northwest: Sexy Laundry. Then when I thought we were going home, he took me to a nice new hotel, a really nice suite on the top floor, and he had Vicki babysit overnight. Then after a nice relaxing breakfast date together we returned home to our kids. :D
Gotta run, supper's on the table.
Tuesday May 12 is our fourth anniversary. Chris arranged to surprise me with a romantic getaway last night, and it was the most wonderful surprise I've ever received! I've been glowing all day, it was just so thoughtful and we had the most amazing time. We had planned a date - so we went for a really nice supper at Cimo Mediterranean Grill, then off to the bookstore, then to a really funny play at Theatre Northwest: Sexy Laundry. Then when I thought we were going home, he took me to a nice new hotel, a really nice suite on the top floor, and he had Vicki babysit overnight. Then after a nice relaxing breakfast date together we returned home to our kids. :D
Gotta run, supper's on the table.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Plug
MB Business Services is my bookkeeping company. We're still growing - so please keep sending in referrals!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Heartstrings and Soap Operas
What moves a grown woman to tears?
More specifically, what moves this grown woman to tears?
Not much, not usually.
Hormones? Well, yes, sometimes it’s hormones, RESP commercials, and other random unexpected triggers.
There are moments though when a minor trigger, ie a scene on tv, is like the button which opens the dam: the dam holding back memories and emotions gives way, and this grown woman is moved to tears.
Meredith Grey is a fictional character, a woman surgeon on the tv show Grey’s Anatomy. She was raised by her single parent mother, who was a single parent because she had a major affair when Meredith was a young child, and also Meredith’s mother was a highly successful surgeon. Meredith fended for herself. Abandoned by her father because of her mother’s unfaithfulness; abandoned by her mother to her mother’s workloads. She raised herself, and found in her search for her mother’s approval and a father’s love, a personal drive. And she too becomes a highly successful surgeon, albeit with many emotional handicaps.
In this most recent episode, the Chief of Seattle Grace Hospital and Meredith have an emotional encounter. The Chief, you see, was the man who Meredith’s mother had had an affair with a generation before. When Meredith’s father and mother parted, and the Chief and Meredith’s mother broke up also, Meredith was left in the ditch – left to be raised by a broken hearted mother who turned colder and even more work oriented, and the Chief, the man who the marital breakdown was supposedly for, well, he stuck with his own wife. But I sidetrack. The point was that the Chief in letting Meredith’s mother go, also let Meredith go. He let them go as a “foolish mistake” and he saw how abandoned Meredith was, and he washed his hands of any responsibility to stand up for the little girl who was left to the ditch to raise herself (metaphorically speaking).
Meredith encounters a little girl with a cut on her face, followed by the little girl’s mother repeatedly crying out “she’s sorry! She’s so sorry!” because this little girl had shot her father over 17 times. The girl is quiet until speaking with Meredith, and she asks Meredith “why isn’t my daddy dead? I shot him lots, why isn’t he dead yet?”
The little girl’s mom was a victim of domestic abuse, but the little girl had been lost in the ditch – as everyone pitied the mom, who cared about the little girl?
Meredith did. She confronted the mom, told the mom she could not make the little girl apologize to the abusive man, Meredith told the mom that she had to change the little girl’s story – make changes in their lives while she still had a chance to help her little girl!
Meredith faced trouble from the Chief for this outburst, but it led to the Chief’s acknowledgement to Meredith that he had stood by while Meredith suffered through her own young childhood. He apologized for not standing up for her, like she had stood up for that little girl that day.
“It’s just a tv show.” I know I know.
But what I experienced growing up, that was not a tv show.
So did I cry because I’m so connected to Meredith, so her pain is my pain?
No that’s ridiculous.
But the above depicted scene brought out memories of my own childhood – not so much memories of events, but of feelings. It’s amazing that now, 10, 15, 20 years later, the emotions were so strong that I can still feel the ache in my chest when I revisit them in my heart and mind. There is a certain pain in abandonment which extends through time and like a physical wound which once healed still throbs now & again, the emotional pain even though healed still presses on my heart and reminds me of my life.
It’s hard not to look the other way. Life is busy. I am busy, and I’m not close to as busy as many others I know. It’s time consuming. It’s emotionally draining. I have other priorities. There are so many reasons not to look at the needs of kids who are abandoned.
But are our reasons sufficient?
They aren’t for me, because I know the pain of abandonment, and it is far worse than the inconvenience that paying attention can be.
This stirring in my heart as I watch my silly tv show, it reminds me of how I have come to hold the values I do. With or without having experienced the pain ourselves, I believe we can all contribute within our community to reach out to the abandoned children.
More specifically, what moves this grown woman to tears?
Not much, not usually.
Hormones? Well, yes, sometimes it’s hormones, RESP commercials, and other random unexpected triggers.
There are moments though when a minor trigger, ie a scene on tv, is like the button which opens the dam: the dam holding back memories and emotions gives way, and this grown woman is moved to tears.
Meredith Grey is a fictional character, a woman surgeon on the tv show Grey’s Anatomy. She was raised by her single parent mother, who was a single parent because she had a major affair when Meredith was a young child, and also Meredith’s mother was a highly successful surgeon. Meredith fended for herself. Abandoned by her father because of her mother’s unfaithfulness; abandoned by her mother to her mother’s workloads. She raised herself, and found in her search for her mother’s approval and a father’s love, a personal drive. And she too becomes a highly successful surgeon, albeit with many emotional handicaps.
In this most recent episode, the Chief of Seattle Grace Hospital and Meredith have an emotional encounter. The Chief, you see, was the man who Meredith’s mother had had an affair with a generation before. When Meredith’s father and mother parted, and the Chief and Meredith’s mother broke up also, Meredith was left in the ditch – left to be raised by a broken hearted mother who turned colder and even more work oriented, and the Chief, the man who the marital breakdown was supposedly for, well, he stuck with his own wife. But I sidetrack. The point was that the Chief in letting Meredith’s mother go, also let Meredith go. He let them go as a “foolish mistake” and he saw how abandoned Meredith was, and he washed his hands of any responsibility to stand up for the little girl who was left to the ditch to raise herself (metaphorically speaking).
Meredith encounters a little girl with a cut on her face, followed by the little girl’s mother repeatedly crying out “she’s sorry! She’s so sorry!” because this little girl had shot her father over 17 times. The girl is quiet until speaking with Meredith, and she asks Meredith “why isn’t my daddy dead? I shot him lots, why isn’t he dead yet?”
The little girl’s mom was a victim of domestic abuse, but the little girl had been lost in the ditch – as everyone pitied the mom, who cared about the little girl?
Meredith did. She confronted the mom, told the mom she could not make the little girl apologize to the abusive man, Meredith told the mom that she had to change the little girl’s story – make changes in their lives while she still had a chance to help her little girl!
Meredith faced trouble from the Chief for this outburst, but it led to the Chief’s acknowledgement to Meredith that he had stood by while Meredith suffered through her own young childhood. He apologized for not standing up for her, like she had stood up for that little girl that day.
“It’s just a tv show.” I know I know.
But what I experienced growing up, that was not a tv show.
So did I cry because I’m so connected to Meredith, so her pain is my pain?
No that’s ridiculous.
But the above depicted scene brought out memories of my own childhood – not so much memories of events, but of feelings. It’s amazing that now, 10, 15, 20 years later, the emotions were so strong that I can still feel the ache in my chest when I revisit them in my heart and mind. There is a certain pain in abandonment which extends through time and like a physical wound which once healed still throbs now & again, the emotional pain even though healed still presses on my heart and reminds me of my life.
It’s hard not to look the other way. Life is busy. I am busy, and I’m not close to as busy as many others I know. It’s time consuming. It’s emotionally draining. I have other priorities. There are so many reasons not to look at the needs of kids who are abandoned.
But are our reasons sufficient?
They aren’t for me, because I know the pain of abandonment, and it is far worse than the inconvenience that paying attention can be.
This stirring in my heart as I watch my silly tv show, it reminds me of how I have come to hold the values I do. With or without having experienced the pain ourselves, I believe we can all contribute within our community to reach out to the abandoned children.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)